Bear-ly Made It

Well, after 2,000 miles and 30 hours of driving, we finally made it to our new home. You may not believe this, but the drive from Denver to Aspen makes the other 27-hours of car-bound misery absolutely worthwile. There isn't enough slave labor in Japan to manufacture a camera worthy of capturing the beauty that is Glenwood Canyon, but we damn sure tried. We took dozens of photos, so rather than posting the pictures here, we are going to put together an online collection, likely set to some generic, standard slide show music, a la Green Day's "Time of Your Life." Lauren will let you know when and where you can find the album.

The pictures I did choose to attach, however, are attached for a purpose. They are intended to show each of you just how unpredictable and precious life is, and how you should never take one moment for granted.

Above is Lauren celebrating her arrival in Aspen, smiling at the thought of the limitless possibilities her new life promised. Then, just hours later, she was tragically mauled by a 10-foot bear in broad daylight while shopping on the Aspen pedestrian mall. And the whole thing was caught on camera. Circle of life, I guess. I must say though, if her mauling can inspire just one of you to get out and do something extraordinary tommorrow, it will all have been worth it.

Day 2 Summary: Things To Do in Denver When You're Sleepy

820 miles. 13 1/2 hours. 4 states (IL, MO, KS, CO)

Well, we made it. Lauren and I traversed the Kansas plains and landed in Denver shortly after 6PM. We were fortunate enough to be able to stay with my buddy Regan, as well as his soon-to-be wife Lori and dogs Roxie (on bottom) and Pete. Lauren and I were exhausted and eager to crash, but not before consuming a hearty meal of raw fish. I must say, there's almost no point in eating stuff like that if I don't have Freddy around to torture with it.

A quick Regan story. When we first met, in March of 2000, I had only been in the city for four months, and despite my undeniable magnetism, had yet to make any good friends.

Anyhoo, Regan and I were introduced by a mutual female acquaintence one Saturday night at the Purple Martini, and we hit it off right away. He was everything I hoped to become during my time in Colorado; a top-notch skier, avid hiker, he loved to camp, mountain bike, rock climb, etc...

When the night ended, Regan asked if I had plans for the next day.

"No plans," I replied, my cool exterior belying my nervousness, "What did you have in mind?"

My mind was racing with the possibilities. What exhilerating -- potentially dangerous, even --Mountain Dew commerical of an outdoor excursion did this adrenaline junkie have in store for me?

"You wanna' go shoot some prairie dogs?"

That's when I knew I wasn't in New Jersey anymore.

And no, I didn't go shoot any prairie dogs. Who could get mad at this face?

Happy Times

Hi everyone! Just thought I would check in to let you know how things are going. Everything is great...no problems. Honest! We are making great time and getting along really well! We miss you guys and love you lots! I'll post again tomorrow after I have my FIRST treat of the trip!

That John Denver's Full Of S**T Man!

Well, Lauren and I have finally hit our state of destination, Colorado. If I may, I would like to use the photographic evidence shown above to quickly and finally dispel two common east-coast misconceptions about my former home state.

Myth #1- It's really freaking cold in Colorado: The truth is, Denver has more sunny days per year than San Diego. Since the sun is quite hot, it's actually very warm here, in both the winter and summer. On this particular evening, our in car thermometer is registering a szzling 91 degrees. Because the moisture content of the air at 5,000+ feet is so low, the temperature always feels about 5-7 degrees warmer than coastal temps.

Myth #2-Mountains, Mountains Everywhere: Pictures don't lie. Unless of course, we're talking about those compromising photos you may have seen of me from my college days. Those are clearly frauds. The first photo above, however, is not. It depicts Colorado in all its flat glory, a stark contradiction to what most people perceive to be the case. In actuality, the mountains don't start until you get 40 miles west of Denver, which itself lies on a plateau.

My Name is Kansas and this is My Little Man Toto

Here's Lauren during one of her happier moments of the trip, prepared to strike outside of a Subway in Salina, Kansas.

There's an episode of the Simpsons in which Homer, while sobbing uncontrollably, turns to his family and says, "I can't remember the last time I cried like this!" To which Lisa replies, "Just this morning. When you put your T-shirt on backwards."

That, my friends and family, is my wife. It doesn't take much to get the old faucets running. During the past two days, I've bore witness to happy tears, sad tears, sleepy tears, hungry tears, and even the occassional it's-that-time-of-the-month tears. Trust me, you don't want to mess with those. I've seen tears set off by pictures, memories, and even a midly popular mid-1990's rock ballad. But regardless of the genesis of the momentary sadness, Lauren usually bounces right back with her typical unbridled enthusiasm. And if she doesn't, I just point out to her that unleaded gas is three-tenths of a cent cheaper wherever we are at that moment in time than it is back home. That always puts a smile on her face.

Day 2: Starting with St. Louis

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Behold St. Louis. Lauren and I passed through this morning, and I must say, the familiar early morning cocktail of inexplicable gridlock and enraged motorists was nearly enough to make me a bit homesick. If I had only seen a couple more middle fingers, I may have gotten a bit misty.

We eventually made our way through the mess, courtesy of the Mark McGwire highway, our second run-in with a disgraced athlete in two days.

This picture, of course, is of St. Louis' famous Arch. While an architectural marvel, it also engendered a bizzare Pavlovian response in Lauren, who upon seeing it, immediately began salivating and begging for a McGriddle. Weird stuff.

And The Sun Sets on Day 1...

Day 1 Totals:

871 miles. 14 ½ hours. 5 states (PA, WV, OH, IN, IL).

Well, Lauren and I are settled in at the Best Western in rural southwest Illinois. The hotel is deserted, as the entire town has shut down in order to go see "Talladega Nights" en masse. It’s been a long day, but we made significant progress, and we’re on pace to hit Denver tomorrow night.

Our evening wrapped up at the local Applebees, where after a full day of binging on pretzels, peanuts, and various cheese-based snack foods, Lauren and I opted for the low-calorie/carb menu. The irony was delicious, even if the meals were anything but.

At the end of the night, several people inquired as to how my wife and I managed to spend over half a day in a car together without killing each other. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the answer is this. The problem with most marriages is communication. Too much communication. Lauren and I avoid it at all costs, and it’s proven to be quite effective in keeping us congenial.

The key is to have plenty of available alternatives to dialogue. Here’s a short list of the items we had on hand for yesterday’s drive; if you’re married or dating, I highly recommend you procure these as soon as possible.

CDs:

Jellyfish, Greatest Hits: Impossible not to love. A compilation of catchy chords and brilliant lyrics. One of the few bands to ever put out a greatest hits album despite only having two prior releases. Yet it’s worth every penny.

Butch Walker, everything: We could easily drive the entire 2,000 miles without ever listening to anything but Butch. Best songwriter going. I’ve even made peace with the fact that my wife finds him infinitely more attractive than her husband. You can judge for yourself.

The Refreshments, The Bottle and Fresh Horses: Great stuff. Not a bad track to be found. As we made our way farther west, the slight country feel to the album became more and more appropriate.

Commons, Come and Get None: Aside from providing a mellow alterative to the choices above, you get an added personal touch from realizing that the lead singer is a good pal of one Rob “Fat Bob” Balerna.

The Rent Soundtrack: The other key to a successful marriage is compromise. Lauren was permitted to listen to this CD while I dozed. I ended up losing out on the deal, however, as the first track instantly produced a traumatizing flashback of a Fares birthday party containing an elaborate, carefully synchronized skit to this song. Unable to shake the memory, I spent the next hour curled up in the fetal position, shivering and sucking my thumb.

Audio Tape:

Deception Point by Dan Brown: This work of fiction opens with a brutal killing followed by a bunch of conspiracy talk that ends up dragging on forever. Who would have seen that coming from a Dan Brown novel?

There you have it. Fourteen hours with nary a word between husband and wife. It’s that easy. So use the links above and do some shopping. It could save your marriage someday. And it will definately keep you from resorting to moments like this...