And The Sun Sets on Day 1...

Day 1 Totals:

871 miles. 14 ½ hours. 5 states (PA, WV, OH, IN, IL).

Well, Lauren and I are settled in at the Best Western in rural southwest Illinois. The hotel is deserted, as the entire town has shut down in order to go see "Talladega Nights" en masse. It’s been a long day, but we made significant progress, and we’re on pace to hit Denver tomorrow night.

Our evening wrapped up at the local Applebees, where after a full day of binging on pretzels, peanuts, and various cheese-based snack foods, Lauren and I opted for the low-calorie/carb menu. The irony was delicious, even if the meals were anything but.

At the end of the night, several people inquired as to how my wife and I managed to spend over half a day in a car together without killing each other. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the answer is this. The problem with most marriages is communication. Too much communication. Lauren and I avoid it at all costs, and it’s proven to be quite effective in keeping us congenial.

The key is to have plenty of available alternatives to dialogue. Here’s a short list of the items we had on hand for yesterday’s drive; if you’re married or dating, I highly recommend you procure these as soon as possible.

CDs:

Jellyfish, Greatest Hits: Impossible not to love. A compilation of catchy chords and brilliant lyrics. One of the few bands to ever put out a greatest hits album despite only having two prior releases. Yet it’s worth every penny.

Butch Walker, everything: We could easily drive the entire 2,000 miles without ever listening to anything but Butch. Best songwriter going. I’ve even made peace with the fact that my wife finds him infinitely more attractive than her husband. You can judge for yourself.

The Refreshments, The Bottle and Fresh Horses: Great stuff. Not a bad track to be found. As we made our way farther west, the slight country feel to the album became more and more appropriate.

Commons, Come and Get None: Aside from providing a mellow alterative to the choices above, you get an added personal touch from realizing that the lead singer is a good pal of one Rob “Fat Bob” Balerna.

The Rent Soundtrack: The other key to a successful marriage is compromise. Lauren was permitted to listen to this CD while I dozed. I ended up losing out on the deal, however, as the first track instantly produced a traumatizing flashback of a Fares birthday party containing an elaborate, carefully synchronized skit to this song. Unable to shake the memory, I spent the next hour curled up in the fetal position, shivering and sucking my thumb.

Audio Tape:

Deception Point by Dan Brown: This work of fiction opens with a brutal killing followed by a bunch of conspiracy talk that ends up dragging on forever. Who would have seen that coming from a Dan Brown novel?

There you have it. Fourteen hours with nary a word between husband and wife. It’s that easy. So use the links above and do some shopping. It could save your marriage someday. And it will definately keep you from resorting to moments like this...