Any Publicity is Good Publicity, Or So They Say

Alanis Morrisette, long before her breakthrough acting performance as Almighty God in Kevin Smith's "Dogma," once wrote a song titled "Ironic," which while fairly popular, was just plain inaccurate. In it she laments such things as "10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife," and "a death row pardon, a minute too late," neither of which, incidentally, are ironic, but rather ludicrously tragic, sort of like when a clown dies.

Or sort of like what happened to my man Terry Schaeffer -- the Aspen institution who is quickly becoming a staple in this here blog -- some 20-odd years ago.

Picture this...you're a young professional, desperately trying to make a name for yourself in a new town. One day, you're out enjoying some backcountry skiing, when a local photog snaps a few pics. You figure he's just another tourist taking in the scenery, until you wake up one morning to find a huge picture of yourself splashed across the front page of the biggest paper in town.

For a moment, you're elated.

And then you notice the headline.

Now obviously, Terry has never killed anyone, at least not that he remembers. The 70's were pretty hazy, from what he tells me. He just had the misfortune of making it into the news the day someone decided to unload a semi-automatic weapon on a party. But for all those people who didn't bother to read the article or the caption to Terry's picture...well, to them, his ass was guilty and he deserved to fry.

When Terry showed me the paper today, I just about lost it. In a desperate attempt to make him feel better, I assured him there were plenty of worse things you could find printed in 32-inch font directly above a picture of you, and only you. Eight hours later, though, the only things I can come up with are:

"Former Foley Page Prepared to Testify" or "Local Man Busted In Beastiality Probe"

If any of the more creative commentators out there would like to contribute their suggestions, I'd love to hear them.