When you’re awaiting the arrival of your first child, you’ll inevitably find yourself taking inventory of the world as it currently exists and comparing it to the one you knew as a kid. Many from my generation use this comparison, and their interpretation of the result, as justification for not starting a family. “Why would I want to bring a child into this sick, twisted, post-9/11 world?” they’ll ask.While I see their point, I have to….wait, scratch that. I don’t see their point. Sure the modern world finds itself on shaky ground with the recent rise of global warming, religious extremism, and Jimmy Fallon, but last time I checked the shelves at 7-11 were stocked, oxygen was plentiful, and I hadn’t missed a meal in 34 years. So things ain’t that bad.
But that’s not to say things are perfect. Not by a long shot. And I have a genuine concern that the world’s current imperfections may prevent my son from having the same magical childhood I experienced in the early 1980’s.
My biggest fear isn’t that he’ll fall victim to some widespread pandemic or biological warfare, however, but rather that the world he’s entering doesn’t offer the same endless string of entertainment options I had at my disposal as a kid.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that in Hollywood, there is nothing new under the sun. Whatever can conceivably be done as a form of entertainment on TV or the big screen has been done. A dog that leads a youth soccer team to an unlikely championship while simultaneously teaching the coach how to love again? Been done. Killer clowns from outer space that encapsulate their victims in cotton candy shot from a ray gun? Been done. Ben Stiller as an overly-intense caricature of whatever career/hobby/sport that particular movie showcases? Been done...and done...and done...and done.
With all that being said, it’s easy to see why the entertainment industry has turned to the Holy Trilogy of lazy writing: reality TV, sequels, and remakes. Why tax your brain searching for inspiration when it’s infinitely easier to follow talentless, self-entitled rich kids around with a camera or roll out a big screen adaptation of an old sitcom. (Opening June 27th in theaters everywhere: “What’s Happening!!” starring Dave Chapelle as Rog!)
The problem, as is typically the case, isn’t in the idea, but rather in its execution. If studios want to piss away $200 million recycling a movie, that’s fine, but why not choose a bit more wisely? Was anyone really clamoring for a modern interpretation of “The Day the Earth Stood Still?” Was “Planet of the Apes” in any way an improvement upon the legendary original?
If my son has any chance to grow up with the same love for movies that has forged me into a quoting machine incapable of original thought, it’s vital that Hollywood start remaking kick-ass films from my youth where the technological advances of the special effects industry can best be utilized.
Movies like these...
3. Clash of the Titans
Name another movie chock-full of sword fights, poisonous scorpions and deadly sea monsters that also throws in enough Greek mythology to make any kid the curve-buster of his sixth grade class?
In all seriousness, there are few better candidates to benefit from modern technology than this tale of Perseus and his quest to save the comely Princess Andromeda from the Kraken. From the winged stallion Pegasus to Bubo the mechanical owl to Cerberus the three-headed dog of the underworld, Clash of the Titans is rife with opportunity to add some of that bad-ass CGI stuff and turn it into a special effects thrill-ride that would make "Jurassic Park" look like "Howard the Duck."
Think about it. Is there any possible way the upcoming “Land of the Lost” remake could provide 1/100th the enjoyment of a modern-day remake of Clash of the Titans? Unless Will Ferrell goes all Jackie Chan on some Sleestacks, the answer is hell and no.
Casting possibilities: Teen Beat cover boy Zac Effron as the hero Perseus.
Throw a little make-up on Sarah Jessica Parker and you’ve got yourself a perfect Medusa!
2. Gremlins
People of my generation often make the mistake of misremembering (Roger Clemens word of the day calendar!) this flick as a light, slightly goofy movie along the lines of "Goonies" or "E.T." They forget that Gremlins was, in fact, freaking terrifying. Once those cuddly Gizmo dopplegangers ate after midnight, they emerged from their cocoons to unleash upon the small town of Kingston Falls a genocide it won’t soon forget.
Did you realize they used puppets for the Gremlins in that movie? Puppets! Imagine what they could do now, what with all their fancy computers and RAM and Ebays and such. The possibilities are endless.
It’s imperative my son get to experience a beefed-up version of this childhood classic, if for no other reason than to instill in him a lesson I’ve carried with me all these years: Take responsibility for your pets, or else they're likely to metamorphosize into destructive monsters and kill the majority of your neighbors in horrible, horrible ways.
Casting ideas: Shia Lebouf is a reach as the likeable yet naïve Billy.
A must: Samuel L. Jackson as the school's science teacher Roy Hanson, just so he can adapt his now-famous line from "Snakes on a Plane" shortly before his demise: “THAT’S IT! I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERF**ING GREMLINS IN THIS MOTHERF**ING SCHOOL!”
1. Teen Wolf I know, I know, there’s not much you can do to improve upon this timeless treasure, but my son deserves to see it modernized.
True story: two days after I found out I had a brain aneurysm, Lauren and I went to Denver to meet with a neurosurgeon, hoping he would look at the films and tell us it was all a big mistake. He didn’t of course, and Lauren and I returned to our hotel room devastated and prepared to talk about the next step: a step that would be vital in keeping me alive. As we settled in to our bed and readied ourselves for the most difficult conversation we would ever have, Teen Wolf came on the hotel TV. We didn’t say another word about the aneurysm for two full hours, until Scott Howard had led the Beavers to a last second victory over the hated arch-rival Dragons by draining two free throws he had to jump to shoot for some unknown reason.
Why wouldn’t I want my son to have the privilege of seeing a movie so genius, it can distract you from life’s worst moments?
While I concede that the only real room for improvement is to add some effects to the Wolf – and maybe finding an actor who can dribble with his left hand and pull off a passable jump shot wouldn’t hurt either -- why not change the movie a bit by giving it more of an edgy, raunchy American Pie-type feel? And at this moment, nobody is doing that better than the “Superbad” crew. So here’s my idea:
Michael Cera as the insecure, still-trying-to-find-himself Scott Howard
Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the loveable and entrepreneurial best friend Rupert “Stiles” Stalinsky.
Jonah Hill as fat but funny teammate Chubby.
And last but not least, Bill Hader as the sagacious, if slightly apathetic, Coach Finstock.
Are you telling me those guys couldn’t add a few laughs to an already air-tight story? Throw in some gratuitous f-bombs, adult-themed hijinks, and maybe a musical montage where the Wolf tries on a bunch of suits before the prom and you've got perfection. At the end of the day, of course, the important thing is that they leave the moral of the story the same: It’s vital to be yourself, unless of course you can be a slam-dunking, crowd-pleasing werewolf and sleep with the hottest girl in school. But that’s just common sense.
With Hollywood going the direction it is, it’s only a matter of when, not if, we’ll see these ideas come to fruition. And when it happens, I can promise you I’ll be in the front of the line on opening night with my son, ready to plunk down $35 bucks for two hours of life lessons and goooood watchin’.
See you there.
