This morning, as I reflected on the half year that's passed since my son joined us, it dawned on me that to the surprise of many, I've developed into one kick-ass dad. I willingly change the nastiest of diapers. I rock my son to sleep at 3 AM if he’s fussy. I happily feed the kid pears and sweet potatos and the occasional Slim Jim when there's football to be watched. Cliff Huxtable ain’t got shit on me.
Sure, sometimes I’m not as “attentive” as I could be or as “nurturing” as I should be, and yeah, from time to time I may "go missing from the house for days on end with no explanation,” but the numbers don’t lie: Six months + minimal concussions + zero toes chewed off by rodents + only one near drowning = STELLAR GODDAMN PARENTING.
The truth is, raising a kid isn’t all that hard. Of course, most of the complaining you hear traditionally comes from the
Either way, if you’re new to this whole parenting gig, you’ll probably need a little help to get you on your way. That’s why I’ve put together this handy little FAQ (“frequently asked questions, for the layperson), compiled from my six months of hands-on experience, to give you the kick start you need.
Take the appropriate notes, and perhaps your kid will end up half as cool as mine.
A: Because we named him Ryan.
You’ve all heard the joke that if you name your daughter Candy or Bambi she'll inevitably wind up a stripper, right? Well, the underlying concept holds equally true for a boy. As a parent, your son’s name is more than just the collection of letters you’ll sign as you liquidate his college savings to pay off your gambling debts; it sets the tone for his entire life.
We chose Ryan because it’s simply solid; a name that will beget a steady, drama-free life filled with moderate levels of hard-earned achievement. As parents, that’s really all you can hope for.
To give you an example of our thought process, Lauren and I briefly flirted with the idea of naming the boy A.J., until we realized that this would destine him to play high school tennis, pledge a fraternity, and develop a raging coke habit in his early twenties. And nobody wants that.
So if you’re having a son, choose the name wisely. Try to avoid today's sissified “flavor of the month” choices, unless of course, you'd like your son to grow up and front a mildly popular boy band. Instead, go with something that will stand the test of time and set your kid up for a lifetime of success. While I recommend Ryan, the following would also be suitable:
Michael
Kevin
Eric
Hunk Golden
Sir Hotbod Handsomeface
Dr. Lawyer InvestmentBanker
Q: I’m a single woman who wants a baby, but I’ve grown sour on men. Can I raise a child on my own?
A: Sure you can. Of course, to quote Chris Rock, you can also drive a car with your feet, but that don’t make it a good f--king idea. Next question.
Q: I’ve heard having a baby will destroy your social life. Is this accurate?
A: Depends. If poker night, happy hour, and Sunday morning tailgates are still staples of your weekly routine, then yes, prepare for a rude awakening.
This is precisely why I encourage people in their twenties to hold off on having kids for a while. At that age, you’re supposed to be doing this type of silly shit. Bring a baby into this world, and if you’ve got even a minimal sense of responsibility, you’ll be shutting that stuff down prematurely. Inevitably, you’ll wind up resenting the kid, your spouse, or both when you’re stuck reading Curious George while your buddies are six bars deep into the St. Paddy’s Day pub crawl. That can’t end well.
Q: If you knew before Ryan was born what you know now, what would you have done differently?
A: This one’s easy. I wouldn’t have waited so long to start watching Nick Jr. Childrens' programming freaking rocks. The lessons these shows espouse are not solely for the benefit of the young.
Thanks to Dora the Explorer, I can now understand seven words on Telemundo’s soccer highlights. After meeting Diego, I’ve stopped torturing small animals for pleasure. And the Fresh Beat Band has taught me the appropriate way to deal with the adversity of getting my tap shoes stuck in a tree hours before my big performance. These are real life solutions to real life problems.
Q: What will be the most surprising benefit of fatherhood?
A: Hmmm....the easy answer would be the realization that your child is a living, breathing amalgamation of you and your soul mate and a physical manifestation of your love for one another. The correct answer, however, will be your wife's breasts.
Q: Have you set any life goals for your son?
A: You mean aside from these? Yes, I have, and they start and end with this: Don’t be an asshole. I think my brother Dave put it best when he told me, “I could care less if some day my son tells me he’s gay. I just really, really hope he doesn’t grow up to be an asshole.” Brilliant.
It's tempting to guage our success as parents by whether our child meets any number of predetermined -- and in the grand scheme of things, meaningless -- standards we establish, most of which are reflections of our own shortcomings. We get so wrapped up in whether little Johnny becomes a baseball star, or a high-priced attorney, or a city-wide karate champion, we tend to forget that none of these things matter much if in the process, he also becomes a world-class asshole.
As Lauren puts it, we just really hope our son is a good kid. Nice, generous, and above all, respectful.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone is an asshole at some point in their life; whether it manifests itself in how we handle a tough day at work or an incorrect order at McDonalds. We all have it in us. Our hope for Ryan is that he limits his inherent asshole-ness (word of the day calendar!) to those isolated moments of weakness or frustration, and not let it become his defining characteristic.
You might see this goal as rather unquantifiable, but you’d be wrong. Assholes abound in our society and are easily identifiable to the trained eye.
As a guideline, the following people are assholes:
Spencer Pratt
Kobe Bryant
Dick Chaney
Kobra Kai
The Balloon Boy’s dad
Duke graduates 1892-present
So long as Ryan doesn’t end up wedged between two of these names on some blog thirty years from now, then I’ll consider his life a raging success.
Q: Your son is stunningly handsome. Why haven't you pursued a modeling career for him?
A: Strangely, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in it. For some reason, he seems perfectly content to just lie around the house all day, eating, sleeping and shitting his pants to his heart’s content. I guess he’s just not as driven by the prospect of 15 minutes of fame as other parents babies.
A: Absolutely not. The easy way out is to stick around and help raise the child you’ve made. I know a guy who ran off with a 23-year old co-worker while his wife was pregnant with their second kid. Now that takes balls.
Q: On the extremely rare occassion when you do screw up, how do you make amends to your wife?
A: If you take nothing else away from this FAQ, take this: a long list of egregious parenting mistakes can be remedied with one simple gesture. At least once a week, surprise your wife by hopping out of bed the minute the kid starts to stir in the morning, and take him or her as far from your sleeping wife as humanly possible. Give your wife an extra two hours of sleep she wasn't counting on, and you'll find that you can get away with apathy, ignorance, and even the occasional negligence.
There you have it. Inspired words from a man who knows how to ski. (Bonus points to whoever can name the movie!) If you have any additional questions regarding child rearing,
