If I'm ever going to develop into the type of dad that feels comfortable verbally abusing elementary school teachers or hurling whiskey bottles at Little League umpires, it’s rather important I get an early start on letting the world know just how amazingly special and gifted my boy Ryan is. Some of you may call it bragging, but I like to think of it as nothing more than being a proud parent. And if Ryan’s many accomplishments cause you to realize just how special your child isn't, well, that's just your insecurity getting the better of you. Learn to deal with it.
While he was lying in his basinet, I put one of Ryan’s toys next to him and he reached over, grabbed, it, and picked it up over his head! Three week old infants aren’t supposed to have the spatial awareness, manual dexterity, or brute strength necessary to do that sort of thing! What an athlete he's going to be! I can’t decide whether he should start at quarterback or running back for his high school football team. Oh well, I’ve got until the seventh grade to figure it out. Is your three week old son playing with his toys? No? Well don’t panic just yet, I’m sure he’s just a late bloomer. Just try not to get upset if Ryan doesn’t pick him for kickball during grade school. It’s nothing personal, I just want my son associated with winners.
At our two week follow-up appointment, our pediatrician described Ryan as “perfect from head to toe,” and there’s no way a doctor would say something like that lightly to a couple of nervous, first-time parents. It would be a violation of their Hippopotamus Oath. So Ryan must truly be the most special baby they’ve ever seen. That testimonial is going to look great on the pre-screening application I just started filling out to Aspen’s ever-so-exclusive Shining Star Pre-School for Chosen Child Prodigies.
As part of my goal to expose Ryan to the 100 greatest novels ever written before he starts kindergarten (we knocked off 27 while he was in utero!) I recently put him on my lap and read aloud the complete works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While he slept through much of “The Brothers Karamazov,” he was really bright eyed and alert for “Crime and Punishment.” I think he really empathized with the protagonist’s ethical dilemma and struggle for moral redemption. He’s so sensitive like that. What’s that you say? You read “Hop on Pop” to your infant? How sweet. Don’t worry, I’m sure Dairy Queen will still be taking applications in eighteen years.
Yesterday we asked Ryan “Where’s Maci?” and he looked right at our dog. I don’t know if you know this, but it’s really, really rare for a three week old to be able to associate names with faces like that. I was so proud, I tried to get him to do it again for all our visitors, but he wouldn’t. He gets so shy in front of strangers sometimes.
Did you know Lauren has been confined to an air-tight hyperbaric chamber since we came home from the hospital? I want to make sure no harmful additives make their way into her breast milk, and you just can’t be too careful these days. Trust me; I understand your point about formula being more “convenient.” I just doubt it would be nearly as convenient as full scholarships for Ryan’s prep school, college and law degree. You just keep on using that formula, though. I’m pretty sure the Army still has a nice little tuition payment program.
Ryan totally smiled yesterday. Lauren thought it might just be a facial contortion as a reaction to a gas bubble, and sure he let out a tremendous fart moments later, but I'm positive it was a smile. All the books written by acclaimed child experts agree that babies usually don’t smile for several months, so we’re waaay ahead of schedule. It’s going to be so exciting raising a gifted child. I wouldn't worry too much about that whole cross-eyed thing your kid has going on, I'm sure some corretive glasses will take care of that. Back to my son: do you think I'll get to meet Lance Armstrong if Ryan ends up finding a cure for cancer?
Just the other day I was working on the New York Times Sunday crossword and was struggling with a five letter word for “Yiddish food warmer” when Ryan let out a loud “BLECH!!” I’m not sure where a three-week old baby would pick up an understanding of the Jewish prohibition on cooking on the Sabbath, but that just goes to show how smart he is. What’s that, your son just turned four and he’s still struggling with the crocodile maze at Applebee’s? Oh, I bet he’ll turn things around soon.
A woman on the street walked up to us this morning and told us Ryan looks JUST like the Gerber baby and that he should totally do some modeling! I was all like, “I know!! I say the SAME THING ALL THE TIME.” Then we laughed and laughed and laughed and I gave the woman my business card. Lauren didn’t think she had any actual connections to the modeling industry, and was just being nice to our son, but I’m sure we’ll hear from her soon. What a great day.
They say a healthy baby poops three times a day and pees five. Ryan has been averaging four and seven. Remind me again…how old was Doogie Howser when he graduated from medical school? You say you're son is only pooping three times a day with four pees? That's nothing to be upset about, there's no shame in merely being average.
You should see how big and strong Ryan’s legs are! I know the doctor said they were within the normal range, but I suspect he was just trying to limit his legal liability should Ryan somehow not become a professional athlete. Do you believe the local youth leagues won’t let him start playing until he’s five? Ridiculous. I spent the better part of the weekend researching which parts of the country play high school football in the fall and soccer in the spring, so we don’t limit his options. We’ve never really considered moving to Florida before, but there are some really fantastic athletic programs there. What can I say…the things we do to make our kids happy!
