Happy Times

Hi everyone! Just thought I would check in to let you know how things are going. Everything is great...no problems. Honest! We are making great time and getting along really well! We miss you guys and love you lots! I'll post again tomorrow after I have my FIRST treat of the trip!

That John Denver's Full Of S**T Man!

Well, Lauren and I have finally hit our state of destination, Colorado. If I may, I would like to use the photographic evidence shown above to quickly and finally dispel two common east-coast misconceptions about my former home state.

Myth #1- It's really freaking cold in Colorado: The truth is, Denver has more sunny days per year than San Diego. Since the sun is quite hot, it's actually very warm here, in both the winter and summer. On this particular evening, our in car thermometer is registering a szzling 91 degrees. Because the moisture content of the air at 5,000+ feet is so low, the temperature always feels about 5-7 degrees warmer than coastal temps.

Myth #2-Mountains, Mountains Everywhere: Pictures don't lie. Unless of course, we're talking about those compromising photos you may have seen of me from my college days. Those are clearly frauds. The first photo above, however, is not. It depicts Colorado in all its flat glory, a stark contradiction to what most people perceive to be the case. In actuality, the mountains don't start until you get 40 miles west of Denver, which itself lies on a plateau.

My Name is Kansas and this is My Little Man Toto

Here's Lauren during one of her happier moments of the trip, prepared to strike outside of a Subway in Salina, Kansas.

There's an episode of the Simpsons in which Homer, while sobbing uncontrollably, turns to his family and says, "I can't remember the last time I cried like this!" To which Lisa replies, "Just this morning. When you put your T-shirt on backwards."

That, my friends and family, is my wife. It doesn't take much to get the old faucets running. During the past two days, I've bore witness to happy tears, sad tears, sleepy tears, hungry tears, and even the occassional it's-that-time-of-the-month tears. Trust me, you don't want to mess with those. I've seen tears set off by pictures, memories, and even a midly popular mid-1990's rock ballad. But regardless of the genesis of the momentary sadness, Lauren usually bounces right back with her typical unbridled enthusiasm. And if she doesn't, I just point out to her that unleaded gas is three-tenths of a cent cheaper wherever we are at that moment in time than it is back home. That always puts a smile on her face.

Day 2: Starting with St. Louis

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Behold St. Louis. Lauren and I passed through this morning, and I must say, the familiar early morning cocktail of inexplicable gridlock and enraged motorists was nearly enough to make me a bit homesick. If I had only seen a couple more middle fingers, I may have gotten a bit misty.

We eventually made our way through the mess, courtesy of the Mark McGwire highway, our second run-in with a disgraced athlete in two days.

This picture, of course, is of St. Louis' famous Arch. While an architectural marvel, it also engendered a bizzare Pavlovian response in Lauren, who upon seeing it, immediately began salivating and begging for a McGriddle. Weird stuff.

And The Sun Sets on Day 1...

Day 1 Totals:

871 miles. 14 ½ hours. 5 states (PA, WV, OH, IN, IL).

Well, Lauren and I are settled in at the Best Western in rural southwest Illinois. The hotel is deserted, as the entire town has shut down in order to go see "Talladega Nights" en masse. It’s been a long day, but we made significant progress, and we’re on pace to hit Denver tomorrow night.

Our evening wrapped up at the local Applebees, where after a full day of binging on pretzels, peanuts, and various cheese-based snack foods, Lauren and I opted for the low-calorie/carb menu. The irony was delicious, even if the meals were anything but.

At the end of the night, several people inquired as to how my wife and I managed to spend over half a day in a car together without killing each other. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the answer is this. The problem with most marriages is communication. Too much communication. Lauren and I avoid it at all costs, and it’s proven to be quite effective in keeping us congenial.

The key is to have plenty of available alternatives to dialogue. Here’s a short list of the items we had on hand for yesterday’s drive; if you’re married or dating, I highly recommend you procure these as soon as possible.

CDs:

Jellyfish, Greatest Hits: Impossible not to love. A compilation of catchy chords and brilliant lyrics. One of the few bands to ever put out a greatest hits album despite only having two prior releases. Yet it’s worth every penny.

Butch Walker, everything: We could easily drive the entire 2,000 miles without ever listening to anything but Butch. Best songwriter going. I’ve even made peace with the fact that my wife finds him infinitely more attractive than her husband. You can judge for yourself.

The Refreshments, The Bottle and Fresh Horses: Great stuff. Not a bad track to be found. As we made our way farther west, the slight country feel to the album became more and more appropriate.

Commons, Come and Get None: Aside from providing a mellow alterative to the choices above, you get an added personal touch from realizing that the lead singer is a good pal of one Rob “Fat Bob” Balerna.

The Rent Soundtrack: The other key to a successful marriage is compromise. Lauren was permitted to listen to this CD while I dozed. I ended up losing out on the deal, however, as the first track instantly produced a traumatizing flashback of a Fares birthday party containing an elaborate, carefully synchronized skit to this song. Unable to shake the memory, I spent the next hour curled up in the fetal position, shivering and sucking my thumb.

Audio Tape:

Deception Point by Dan Brown: This work of fiction opens with a brutal killing followed by a bunch of conspiracy talk that ends up dragging on forever. Who would have seen that coming from a Dan Brown novel?

There you have it. Fourteen hours with nary a word between husband and wife. It’s that easy. So use the links above and do some shopping. It could save your marriage someday. And it will definately keep you from resorting to moments like this...