And The Sun Sets on Day 1...

Day 1 Totals:

871 miles. 14 ½ hours. 5 states (PA, WV, OH, IN, IL).

Well, Lauren and I are settled in at the Best Western in rural southwest Illinois. The hotel is deserted, as the entire town has shut down in order to go see "Talladega Nights" en masse. It’s been a long day, but we made significant progress, and we’re on pace to hit Denver tomorrow night.

Our evening wrapped up at the local Applebees, where after a full day of binging on pretzels, peanuts, and various cheese-based snack foods, Lauren and I opted for the low-calorie/carb menu. The irony was delicious, even if the meals were anything but.

At the end of the night, several people inquired as to how my wife and I managed to spend over half a day in a car together without killing each other. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think the answer is this. The problem with most marriages is communication. Too much communication. Lauren and I avoid it at all costs, and it’s proven to be quite effective in keeping us congenial.

The key is to have plenty of available alternatives to dialogue. Here’s a short list of the items we had on hand for yesterday’s drive; if you’re married or dating, I highly recommend you procure these as soon as possible.

CDs:

Jellyfish, Greatest Hits: Impossible not to love. A compilation of catchy chords and brilliant lyrics. One of the few bands to ever put out a greatest hits album despite only having two prior releases. Yet it’s worth every penny.

Butch Walker, everything: We could easily drive the entire 2,000 miles without ever listening to anything but Butch. Best songwriter going. I’ve even made peace with the fact that my wife finds him infinitely more attractive than her husband. You can judge for yourself.

The Refreshments, The Bottle and Fresh Horses: Great stuff. Not a bad track to be found. As we made our way farther west, the slight country feel to the album became more and more appropriate.

Commons, Come and Get None: Aside from providing a mellow alterative to the choices above, you get an added personal touch from realizing that the lead singer is a good pal of one Rob “Fat Bob” Balerna.

The Rent Soundtrack: The other key to a successful marriage is compromise. Lauren was permitted to listen to this CD while I dozed. I ended up losing out on the deal, however, as the first track instantly produced a traumatizing flashback of a Fares birthday party containing an elaborate, carefully synchronized skit to this song. Unable to shake the memory, I spent the next hour curled up in the fetal position, shivering and sucking my thumb.

Audio Tape:

Deception Point by Dan Brown: This work of fiction opens with a brutal killing followed by a bunch of conspiracy talk that ends up dragging on forever. Who would have seen that coming from a Dan Brown novel?

There you have it. Fourteen hours with nary a word between husband and wife. It’s that easy. So use the links above and do some shopping. It could save your marriage someday. And it will definately keep you from resorting to moments like this...

Sleep Well, Tiny Dancer

Perhpas ordering the extra meat on her Turkey Supreme was a bad idea. Here's Lauren feeling the effects of the trytophan somewhere east of Indianapolis. Suddenly alone and growing increasingly weary, I was forced to turn to a make-shift sock puppet in order to entertain myself. All's well that ends well.

There's Nothing Wrong With Ohio...

With West Virginia in our rearview mirror, Lauren and I stopped for a bite to eat somewhere near Dayton, Ohio. While I gassed up the car and allowed myself three celery sticks, Lauren took the opportunity to kick off her quest to eat every possible combination of Subway ingredients during the course of our 3-day oddessy.

Despite a mouth full of lunch meat and some strange cheese/bread amalgamation, I was able to make out Lauren saying she loves and misses you all.

Gang Wars and Good Eatin'

Lauren and I have just passed through lovely Lancaster, PA, birthplace of disgraced cyclist Floyd Landis. We're four hours into our trip, and this was our first stop to fuel our tank, both literally and figuratively. We didn't stay long, as I'm told the turf wars between the Amish and the Mennonites can turn ugly at a moments notice in these parts, and we wouldn't be the first innocent tourists to get caught in a hail of pitchforks.

Lauren, determined to turn the corner from the nutritional train wreck we've experienced the past few weeks, is pictured here enjoying a soft pretzel for breakfast. I encouraged her to order it, as rumor has it residents of Aspen with greater than 11% body fat are eligible for handicap parking spaces.

Goodbye

Well, only a couple of hours of sleep separate Lauren and I from the start of our trip. Today was a tough day; as was to be expected. We'll miss you all, and we truly hope you come and stay with us. Just don't borrow my toothbrush. Or eat all our UnCrustables. Or stay too long. You know, when you think about it, maybe it's better if you just stay in a hotel. There's some really affordable options just outside of town.

I kid of course. We'll be in touch throughout the trip. In the meantime, hows about a little sendoff music?

The Garden State...Tribute

As someone who has spent significant amounts of time in different parts of the country (Vermont, Colorado, Oregon…), I can tell you with absolute certainty that as far as states go, New Jersey is the nation's whipping boy. Between the insufferable "What Exit?" jokes, the degrading "armpit of America" designation, and the endless references to a certain TV family as a complete and accurate representation of life in the Garden State, it's pretty clear that the rest of the U.S. -- while unwilling to agree on anything else --has found a common ground in their willingness to have a good chuckle at the expense of our home state.

Now, Lord knows I've taken my own shots at NJ from time to time, but like the big brother that pounds on his sibling, I can get away with it. And it’s not just because I grew up here. It’s because I, unlike those that poke fun from afar, know that while New Jersey may have its flaws, it's also capable of providing days like today.

Cloudless skies providing a canopy for miles of soft-sand beach. A light on-shore breeze cooling what would be insufferable heat just miles away. And to top it all of, an ocean filled with just-the-right-temperature water rolling out endless opportunity for rite-of-passage moments like the one you see above.

So let the rest of the country make their ever-so-clever mobster/hair spray/Bon Jovi jokes. They’ll never know about places like Long Beach Island and days like today. And maybe that’s for the best.

Rescued

Never a big Tetris guy myself, I spent the better part of last night tortured with visions of wasting away my final beach weekend of the season endlessly packing and repacking a 6-by-12 U-Haul in search of that one magical fit; time much better spent frolicking in the Atlantic with my buddies, I'm sure you'd agree.

Luckily, at the last possible moment, I was saved by an angel. An angel armed with Bluetooth technology, but an angel nonetheless. His name is David Wylie, and aside from being one ripped 44-year old, he's also a big wheel at Bohren's Moving Company.

David, made aware of our plight by Lauren's sister, Christine, called me on my cell phone while I was waiting in line at the scenic U-Haul Drop-Off location in Trenton. I was immediately impressed with David's mastery of the English language and the fact that he never threatened me with physical harm; two qualities which instantly made him a tremendous upgrade over our prior movers. David convinced me that he could move our stuff for a reasonable price, and after stopping by the apartment and providing a formal estimate, I agreed.

So long story short, Lauren and I are once again on track for a seamless move. A little more expensive sure, but at least now we don't have to worry about screaming down Vail Pass at 80mph with 3,000 pounds of school supplies and Old Navy winter-wear threatening to crush us with one wrong tap of the brakes. Which is always nice.