Rutgers University Shocks Nation With Landmark Signing

The Associated Press
New Brunswick, New Jersey - In a move certain to fan the flames of the "how young is too young" debate, the Rutgers University women’s basketball program announced during a press conference held today that they have signed Nadia Angel Gray to a National Letter of Intent.

Gray, born just hours earlier to Trenton residents Dean and Erica Gray, is thought to be the youngest athlete in NCAA history to officially commit to an athletic scholarship. While skeptics point to the signing as proof that the ruthlessness of Division I athletics is spiraling wildly out of control, those in command of the Rutgers program view the early committment as nothing more than the natural evolution of big-time college recruiting.

“We apologize for nothing,” said Vivian Stringer, head coach of the perennial power Lady Knights. “In this day and age, you either strike early or you become irrelevant. Some university was going to fire the opening salvo in the fight for Nadia Gray, and I’m just relieved that it was us. Sure people will criticize us for signing a newborn, but the criticism would have been much more harsh had Tennessee or LSU gotten to her first.”

Though some may question how a university can accurately project the abilities of a recruit that won’t suit up until the year 2024, Stringer assured the astonished crowd that the decision was based in sound logic.

“We have been watching Nadia’s development for nearly nine months,” Stringer explained. "In addition, we’ve poured over videos of her father’s soccer career, and his freakish combination of strength, speed, and athleticism is simply astonishing.”

“At first, we weren’t sure about the mother, but an athletic department intern was able to procure a video from a Trenton State College sorority party dated sometime in the mid 1990's. The fluidity and agility apparent in the dance moves Mrs. Gray displayed on that video were all we needed to see. We knew right then that we were dealing with a special cocktail of rare athletic abilities, and we couldn’t afford to drag our feet.”

When asked to comment on the groundbreaking signing of her first-born, Mrs. Gray, still immersed in a morphine-induced haze, repeatedly bellowed, “I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!!”

Interviews of Mr. Gray proved fruitless as well, as the proud papa seemed genuinely disinterested in the proceedings, instead asking anyone who would listen, “Who you like in that Oakland game tonight?”

In all seriousness, I’m sort of at a loss for words to describe everything I’m feeling this week. To have my sister and Fat Bob become parents to a third little girl, only to watch my best friend and his amazing wife experience the same miracle just days later, well…to be honest, it’s more good fortune than I deserve.

There’s not much to say about my relationship with Deano. He’s my favorite non-spouse, non-Nitti on the planet. Has been since the day we met, will be until the day I die. No ups, no downs, no highs, no lows, just the best of friends, since day one, whether we were around the corner from one another, or 2,000 miles apart, as we are now.

This goes without saying, but I’m not the best guy in the world. Far from it. But whenever I find myself questioning the person I’ve become, I remind myself, ‘If someone like Dean Gray considers YOU his best friend, you’ve got to be doing something right.” The guy can’t walk into a 7-11 without bumping into half a dozen people who love him, yet he asks me to be the best man at his wedding? That, my friends, is a great feeling.

Erica, on the other hand, means so much to me on a very different level than Deano. As I said, with Dean, it’s just always been there. Erica, on the other hand, had to be won over.

When we first met, Erica thought of me what many do upon first glance: what a jerk. Standoffish, arrogant, borderline obnoxious… and she was right. But for reasons I’ll never truly understand, Erica did what few others have: refused to let me be me. She wouldn’t let me stay in my protective little shell, wouldn’t let me push her away, wouldn’t let me go through life not knowing what a wonderful person she is and growing to love her.

And boy, do I love her. As does my wife, my sister, my nieces, and anybody else that spends more than 10 minutes in a room with her.
So baby Nadia, rest easy knowing that you've been blessed with two beautiful people as parents, and if they love you as they love one another, which they most assuredly will, scholarship or not, you'll be one lucky, lucky little girl.

At least, that is, until they dress you up like this...